Author Archive

A horse is of course a car of course ...

“Have you heard about “hypermiling?” “No, I haven’t,” said Nick. “But anything with the word hyper in it must be good – hyperactive, hyperlink, hyperbaric, hyperbolic, hyper... read more...


It’s no secret ...

Shhhh! Promise not to tell anyone; it’s a secret! I heard about it on Oprah Winfrey’s show, so practically nobody knows about it yet. But I’m passing it along to you because, ... read more...


Thick crust, thin crust, upper crust

Start spreading the news, a New York pizzeria is offering a $1,000 pizza topped with caviar and lobster. Actually, that is the best way to spread the news about your restaur... read more...


Spring Break Beach Diet

DAY ONE Breakfast 1/2 Grapefruit 1/2 cup Grape Nuts 1/2 Cup Skim milk Brunch 2 Breakfast Burritos 2 Hot apple pies Lunch 1/2 cup cottage cheese 1 slice bread (w... read more...


Meryl Streep is a pussycat

Meryl Streep nearly got an Academy Award this year for playing a willful, demanding boss who rules her fashion magazine domain with an iron fist in “The Devil Wears Prada.” Ma... read more...


Tarmac timeshare

Big, big decisions. Sue and I don’t get that much time off, so we spend a lot of time planning which tarmac we want to spend our vacation on this year. I like O’Hare, but Sue... read more...


Why Anna Nicole’s daughter has my eyes

I expect I’ll be raked over the coals by the cable news networks as a sleazy, money-grubbing opportunist, but it doesn’t change the cold hard fact: I am the father of Anna Nic... read more...


Super bore commercials

The only thing more predictable than the pre-game hype over the Super Bowl is the post-game hype about which commercials worked and which didn’t. The winners of this year’s No... read more...


A wail on two cities

There was a charge for $29.32 from a company I didn’t recognize (FFCo) on my charge-card bill. What is FFCo? I called the billing department where a Roger Smith answered the p... read more...


Watch my purse while I’m in the men’s room

Last year, I watched the Counter Terrorism Unit’s agent extraordinaire, Jack Bauer, on the hit show “24” shoot, punch, ram, run, jump, tackle, hit, smash, tackle and, in every... read more...


Indigo child has me seeing red

There was a huge crash from the living room. A second later, New Hampshire skated through the kitchen on his Heelys screaming “Watch me! Watch me!” as he slammed into our refr... read more...


Life’s a gamble

I just got back from a long weekend in Las Vegas. Everybody says one of two things. First, “You didn’t gamble, did you?” The second is, “You’re kidding, it’s sooo tacky.” Did... read more...


Dance, dance persecution

I cannot dance. No way, no how. You’ve heard of the tone deaf? I am dance deaf. It takes all my concentration to stand in one spot and sway to the music. I just have no feelin... read more...


Harry Potter and the Publicist’s Dream

The earth-shattering news flashed around the world last week – I’m sure you saw it. At last we know the title of the seventh, and last, Harry Potter book. I had guessed that i... read more...


America’s ... home videos

For 45 minutes, the camera never moved. I sat behind Video Mom in the community college field house as she held it on her child for the entire Christmas concert. The camera wa... read more...



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