Author Archive

The unquestionable integrity* of sportswriters

The sportswriters said he was surly and egotistical. He doesn’t deserve a baseball batting record. If he breaks the record, they should put an asterisk next to his name. Of co... read more...


Doc diagnoses chronic case of embarrassment

When Dr. Sam said, “You’ve got the prostate of a man half your age,” it was hard to keep from beaming. This must be how a woman feels when a complete stranger tells her she ha... read more...


‘Leaf’ the sight-seeing to the tourists

We have been stuck behind Mr. and Mrs. Leaf Peeper for 45 minutes. Sue and I are on our way home from the grocery store – they are on vacation. It’s nice to be on vacation, to... read more...


Cat-match deceiver

Sue is not a morning person. She’s not a noon person. Doesn’t really like the late afternoons much either. She tolerates the evening, and, as I get ready for bed, she is wide ... read more...


Days of Chicken a la King dethroned

Our server at the Ciao Down Cafe has just placed a little, shallow dish of olive oil and a basket of different types of bread on our table. We’re supposed to dip our bread in ... read more...


Talking ‘elstuoba’ with my good friend Briton

The early computer pioneer Alan Turing thought a good test of a computer’s intelligence would be if you couldn’t tell whether you were dealing with a human or a computer durin... read more...


A marvelous blend of hydrogen and oxygen

A few years ago, there was a news story about a guy who started selling bottled water for dogs. I told my friends that dogs loved it because the water probably came from his t... read more...


Runaround Sue

The guy who sued his dry cleaner for $54 million for losing a pair of pants has been quite an inspiration to me. Right now, I’m thinking of suing my barber for $60 million. I ... read more...


Something’s cooking at the CIA

I ran into Louise, a friend I hadn’t seen in many years. While she and I caught up with each other in the supermarket’s produce aisle, I asked about her son, Jeffrey. “Didn’t... read more...


Harry Potter and the Magical Numbers

Heard anything about that new Harry Potter book? Oh yeah, I forgot, that’s all we’ve heard about for three months. Quick, name another book published in the last three months.... read more...


All the news that’s fit for an idiot

I called my friend Tammy in Texas to tell her the exciting news – that Lindsay Lohan had been arrested in Santa Monica, Calif., on a DUI charge. “Are you out of your mind?” s... read more...


No reservations

After I cruised the grocery-store parking lot for ten minutes, a spot finally opened up. I had pulled halfway in when I saw the sign that read, “Reserved for parents with smal... read more...


Please, take my identity

I called my cable company to see if they could fix a problem with my line. “And what is the name on the account?” I told him. And the number I was calling from, starting wi... read more...


Ask Little Miss Know-It-All

DEAR LITTLE MISS KNOW-IT-ALL: My fiancé and I want to hold our wedding in a historic, 80-room castle in France and fly all our friends and family in for free. At the reception... read more...


Why isn’t this man running the world?

There is a man who knows how to solve all the problems in the Middle East quickly and easily. He knows exactly what we should do in Iraq. He has the solution to global climate... read more...



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