Author Archive
Don’t like the heat? Get off the planet
I complained about the cold all winter long, now I’m complaining about the heat. Isn’t there some place on this entire planet that’s livable all year round? Some place where i... read more...
Celebrities should buy magazines featuring my baby pictures
A steaming-hot celebrity couple just had a baby! Wow! What incredible people they must be. Not only can they act, but they can make a baby, too! Everyone knows how hard it is ... read more...
When restrooms attack (if available at all)
I love watching the Discovery Channel, the Learning Channel, the Science Channel and the Travel Channel. Twenty-four hours a day, you can watch adventurers boating, crawling, ... read more...
Giving back to a school that gave me so little
I just got an invitation to my high school class reunion that give me the impression the reunion would be a boring disaster if I didn’t show up. This is kind of a shock, since... read more...
Lose money at home in your spare time!
There is only one basic rule to follow if you want to lose your shirt in the stock market: Buy high, sell low. It’s easy, anyone can do it. Learn a few simple technical terms ... read more...
What does $5,500 a night get you?
I just got back from a 50-year-long vacation on the dark side of the moon, and was shocked to find out that a politician was involved in sex scandal. It seems the governor o... read more...
Friend finds duffer dating way under par
Monica hated her duffer ex-husband so much that when she felt it was time to start over, she made it a hard-and-fast rule that she wouldn’t date any golfers. That would be und... read more...
I hate the way your cook cooks
They say most married couples’ fights start over money. I don’t believe it. Didn’t Cher have a weeklong marriage once? Was there even time to fight about money. Lisa Marie Pre... read more...
‘Big Farma’ is threatening our perfectly nutritious pills
I was watching the news last night and, in the middle of the constipation, heartburn, ED, blood pressure, diabetes and arthritis remedy ads there was a commercial for vegetabl... read more...
On with the show – half of it, at least
The People’s Choice Awards this year had no live ceremony, no live audience and almost no live viewers. It was a collection of pre-taped clips and the usual, “It’s an honor ju... read more...
Don’t ‘tread’ on me
“I quit the gym and bought a treadmill,” I told Carlton. “Great,” he said. “How much clothing can you hang on it? They really free up the closet space. I can get two suits a... read more...
The thermometer says minus 60, but it feels like minus 70
I like to look at the thermometer outside my kitchen window first thing in the morning. I could just listen to the radio or the TV, but I want to know what the temperature is ... read more...
And the award goes to ... ‘Subprime’!
According to the American Dialect Society, the word of the year for 2007 was – may I have the envelope please – “Subprime!” “Subprime” couldn’t be here tonight, he’s in Flor... read more...
TV producer threatens to strike
Where do these television writers get off? That’s my money they’re trying to get – money that I worked hard to get. Who has to scream at his personal assistants to get the lit... read more...
Not only the stupid suffer from Stupidity
Like millions of people around the world, I struggle with a severe learning disability. It often causes me to say things that I regret, it wreaks emotional and financial damag... read more...
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