Author Archive

Workaholic? Iím no longer the Type

If Type A personalities are workaholics, my wife complains that Iím a Type Z. ďIf you moved any slower, Iíd have you reupholstered,Ē was how she put it this morning. It wasnít... read more...


What has four legs and runs on biofuel?

I just paid 80 cents for a not very big apple at the supermarket. A bag of four apples was $3.20. Iím eating one now while staring at that dumb, useless, flowering crab-apple ... read more...


One manís garbage is another manís trash

ďDo you have any idea what this $10 bill is worth?Ē ďI have no idea. We never had it appraised. My dad gave it to me, like, a year ago. But it says 1973 on it, so it must be ... read more...


Youíre damaging your brain with practical skills

Dad is typing away furiously at the computer, sweat glistening off his forehead. He is trying to make a Web page for his business. His 13-year-old son is across the room playi... read more...


No shirt, no shoes, no thanks

I saw the first sign of summer today Ė an overweight man without a shirt on a riding mower. We averted our eyes and kept driving. Just when we thought we were safe, we saw ano... read more...


Donít like the heat? Get off the planet

I complained about the cold all winter long, now Iím complaining about the heat. Isnít there some place on this entire planet thatís livable all year round? Some place where i... read more...


Celebrities should buy magazines featuring my baby pictures

A steaming-hot celebrity couple just had a baby! Wow! What incredible people they must be. Not only can they act, but they can make a baby, too! Everyone knows how hard it is ... read more...


When restrooms attack (if available at all)

I love watching the Discovery Channel, the Learning Channel, the Science Channel and the Travel Channel. Twenty-four hours a day, you can watch adventurers boating, crawling, ... read more...


Giving back to a school that gave me so little

I just got an invitation to my high school class reunion that give me the impression the reunion would be a boring disaster if I didnít show up. This is kind of a shock, since... read more...


Lose money at home in your spare time!

There is only one basic rule to follow if you want to lose your shirt in the stock market: Buy high, sell low. Itís easy, anyone can do it. Learn a few simple technical terms ... read more...


What does $5,500 a night get you?

I just got back from a 50-year-long vacation on the dark side of the moon, and was shocked to find out that a politician was involved in sex scandal. It seems the governor o... read more...


Friend finds duffer dating way under par

Monica hated her duffer ex-husband so much that when she felt it was time to start over, she made it a hard-and-fast rule that she wouldnít date any golfers. That would be und... read more...


I hate the way your cook cooks

They say most married couplesí fights start over money. I donít believe it. Didnít Cher have a weeklong marriage once? Was there even time to fight about money. Lisa Marie Pre... read more...


ĎBig Farmaí is threatening our perfectly nutritious pills

I was watching the news last night and, in the middle of the constipation, heartburn, ED, blood pressure, diabetes and arthritis remedy ads there was a commercial for vegetabl... read more...


On with the show Ė half of it, at least

The Peopleís Choice Awards this year had no live ceremony, no live audience and almost no live viewers. It was a collection of pre-taped clips and the usual, ďItís an honor ju... read more...



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