Author Archive

Twice the price half as nice

What was the lowest price you ever paid for gasoline? When I was 18, I bought gas in Kansas for 23 cents a gallon. It wasnít a promotion or a gimmick, it was just the price of... read more...


Tim Russert, RTV

My Dad will be buried in Arlington Cemetery on July 23 at 1 p.m. with military honors. He died a few months ago at the age of 89 after serving 33 years in the U.S. Navy and th... read more...


Heaven is only nine holes away

I get a lot of million-dollar ideas. I get them all the time. Why, if I had a dime for every million-dollar idea Iíve ever had, Iíd be a millionaire. But someoneís always out ... read more...


Electing the next CEO of America

Will your life change very much after the election this November? No matter whom you vote for, your mail will still get delivered; the government will still take money out of ... read more...


Workaholic? Iím no longer the Type

If Type A personalities are workaholics, my wife complains that Iím a Type Z. ďIf you moved any slower, Iíd have you reupholstered,Ē was how she put it this morning. It wasnít... read more...


What has four legs and runs on biofuel?

I just paid 80 cents for a not very big apple at the supermarket. A bag of four apples was $3.20. Iím eating one now while staring at that dumb, useless, flowering crab-apple ... read more...


One manís garbage is another manís trash

ďDo you have any idea what this $10 bill is worth?Ē ďI have no idea. We never had it appraised. My dad gave it to me, like, a year ago. But it says 1973 on it, so it must be ... read more...


Youíre damaging your brain with practical skills

Dad is typing away furiously at the computer, sweat glistening off his forehead. He is trying to make a Web page for his business. His 13-year-old son is across the room playi... read more...


No shirt, no shoes, no thanks

I saw the first sign of summer today Ė an overweight man without a shirt on a riding mower. We averted our eyes and kept driving. Just when we thought we were safe, we saw ano... read more...


Donít like the heat? Get off the planet

I complained about the cold all winter long, now Iím complaining about the heat. Isnít there some place on this entire planet thatís livable all year round? Some place where i... read more...


Celebrities should buy magazines featuring my baby pictures

A steaming-hot celebrity couple just had a baby! Wow! What incredible people they must be. Not only can they act, but they can make a baby, too! Everyone knows how hard it is ... read more...


When restrooms attack (if available at all)

I love watching the Discovery Channel, the Learning Channel, the Science Channel and the Travel Channel. Twenty-four hours a day, you can watch adventurers boating, crawling, ... read more...


Giving back to a school that gave me so little

I just got an invitation to my high school class reunion that give me the impression the reunion would be a boring disaster if I didnít show up. This is kind of a shock, since... read more...


Lose money at home in your spare time!

There is only one basic rule to follow if you want to lose your shirt in the stock market: Buy high, sell low. Itís easy, anyone can do it. Learn a few simple technical terms ... read more...


What does $5,500 a night get you?

I just got back from a 50-year-long vacation on the dark side of the moon, and was shocked to find out that a politician was involved in sex scandal. It seems the governor o... read more...



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